my thoughts on motherhood, kids, books and stuff

Son of a…

I made a new goal today. My goal is to start cussing more.

Yes, you read that right.

I realized today that my inner me and my outer me are a little out of sync. My inner me cusses like a sailor and my outer me cringes at the utterance of most swear words.

My internal voice has had the vocabulary of a Hell’s Angel since my early teenage years, but rarely does it break free and slide past my lips. I am sure most (with the exception of a couple of friends from my middle school years) would be surprised by this. Even my husband will be surprised by this.

Things are about to change, damnit!

I have good intentions with this resolve. I figure if I release a little bit of the steam once in awhile it won’t build up to an onslaught of profanity worthy of a college football tailgate party inside my head.

The other day, In a moment of extreme frustration, I let a word slip (twice! Oops.) that I abhor. It is one I have made a major stink about when Brett has let it fly so he seemed more than a little stunned when it flew out of my mouth. And then out it flew again. It was probably the first time he heard me use it. (If only he had known how common it was inside my head, he may have recovered his speech quicker!)

So here I go. My little experiment might result in an even more abject inner dialogue, but “Hear! Hear!” for good intentions!

From A Park Bench

The baby was asleep in his car seat so I read in the front seat of our van while the kids played on the play structure that was about thirty feet away from where I sat. I had the windows rolled down so I could hear them squealing and laughing as they played.

I glanced up from time to time to see to see the kids chasing up the stairs or racing down the slides. Their heads bobbed in and out of the various tunnels and tubes.

One time I looked up to watch them playing hide and seek with a young boy and girl who had arrived with their mother. I waved to the mom to show her that I was close by and watching them.

The next time I looked up I saw an old man standing at the corner of the park with his little dog.

A few minutes later he was walking very slowly down the sidewalk next to the playground. His dog running circles around him as he puttered along.

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Then he was sitting on the park bench just a few feet away from my children.

His sweats were rolled up high above his ankles and knee socks were scrunched down, leaving a few inches of skin peeking out between them. He had a fanny pack on over an oversized Mickey Mouse sweatshirt. The old golf cap was pulled low and silver hair was poking out the back.

I didn’t look back down, but watched him as he watched the children play. I had an uneasy feeling. He hadn’t taken his eyes off my kids since I saw him standing at the corner. What was this man doing at a playground without children or grandchildren with him?

I had just read an article the week before about a convicted child molester who had been discovered hanging out at a city pool watching the children. Possibly looking for his next victim. He had gone day after day and sat on a bench watching until finally one of the regulars got concerned and had him checked out, thank goodness.

I got out of the car and walked a little closer as one of my children got close enough to him to ask him about his dog.

“Oh, she is friendly. You can pet her.” a shaky high-pitched voice responded.

It wasn’t an old man. It was a woman.

My heart instantly softened and my mind was filled with pictures of a lonely widow who came to the park to watch the kids play as she thought of the years she had raised her own children. 

I stepped back to my van, still in listening distance of the conversation. My other two children had joined them by this time and she was directing them on how her dog liked to be scratched behind the ears.

I felt shame.

I don’t like to misjudge people and I don’t like to jump to conclusions. It made me wonder why I had felt so alarmed when I saw this person near my children. I am sure the article I read had something to do with it, but it didn’t make me feel any better. It shouldn’t have mattered whether it was a man or woman watching the kids, but for some reason my reaction was different as my perspective changed.

This happened last summer and I still think about it. How often do I misjudge others? What can I do to keep my children safe, without letting my worry for them interfere with a realistic view of the world and those around me?

As a parent it is my responsibility to figure out the balance between guarding and protecting my children and letting them discover their surroundings and develop who they really are.

I am a little bit better at it now than I was last summer.

Some of My Favorite Minutes of Today…(In Pictures)

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Just A Glimpse of our Week

I owe many of you an apology. I have judged you. When I have heard you complain about how hard your toddler is I have inwardly chuckled and thought to myself, “I’ve had three of them and they are not that hard.”

I have had babies and toddlers who wouldn’t sleep. I have had whiners, criers, and sassers.

But my first three obeyed. Almost always. They might have complained when I put them down for a nap, but they napped.

They might not have liked it when I told them they couldn’t eat a cookie before dinner, but they didn’t do it.

If they wrote on a wall it didn’t happen again. If they used scissors on something that wasn’t meant to be cut I knew that there wouldn’t be a repeat.

If I really needed (or wanted) a nap I could turn on a movie and lay on the couch and they would watch the movie while I snoozed and not get into things they were not supposed to get into.

#4 has taken all of my parenting knowledge, skills, and intuition and wadded it up in a ball, spit on it, stomped on it, peed on it, put it in the garbage, doused it with gasoline and threw a match on it.

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This week he has:

Poured olive oil into my tub of brown sugar.

Combined the two half used bottles of ranch dressing, resulting in a slimy white kitchen floor.

Dug up my basket of grass that was my pretty spring table centerpiece.

Snuck out of the house to play in the mud 4 times.

Pulled all the books off the bookshelf in his room. (okay, they all did this at his age)

Pulled a chair to the open fridge to pull things off the top shelf.

Made each of his siblings cry.

Made me cry.

Made me pray.

Cut his lip.

Bruised his forehead.

Wore his sisters slippers out in the mud.

Went through four changes of clothes.

…..oh wait, did I say this week?! No. That was just today. If I include the rest of the week:

Tried to microwave a bottle of bubbles.

Unplanted my wheat grass seeds from three pots and replanted them into all the dirty cups that were in the sink.

Sprinkled baby powder all over his room while he was supposed to be napping. We had to wash all the bedding from two beds and the clothing from three drawers and wipe every surface because he also sprinkled it in the fan that was ON.

Tried to wash his “soft bear” in the washing machine. Thank goodness I found him before he tried to add the liquid soap that he had just climbed up to get off the shelf.

Sprayed and emptied a full bottle of cleanser from our Swifter onto the kitchen floor.

Snuck out of bed at 11pm to watch “Leave It To Beaver”. His new favorite.

Wrote on the carpet with a purple marker.

Wrote all over his bedroom wall and door with a pencil.

Tried to clean up the pencil on his wall with a whole container of wet wipes.

Emptied a bottle of grape seed oil on the bathroom floor.

Made his siblings cry.

Made me cry.

Made me pray.

…I know there is more! I KNOW there is!

This little guy has challenged me in ways I didn’t know possible.

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BUT, he also:

Gives me endless hugs and kisses.

Calls my name first every time he wakes up.

Helps me (it is the thought that counts, right?)

Sneaks into my bed almost every morning when the sun comes up and lets me cuddle and kiss him while he falls back to sleep.

Makes me laugh.

Makes my kids and husband laugh.

Smiles at me.

Teaches me patience.

Comforts me if I cry.

Trusts me.

Loves me.

Forgives me.

I understand now. I will not judge you mother’s of two year olds any more.

I get it!

I am thankful every day for this mischievous stinker and I am a blessed to be his mother.

A Simple Website For Kids You Won’t Get Sick Of

I rediscover the website bemboszoo every few months. The website is based on this book. The author and illustrator, Roberto de Vicq de Cumptich, draws an animal for each letter of the alphabet, using the letters of the animal’s name to form the picture. The kids and I love to guess what each animal is going to be before we click on the letter. Even though we have looked at the site many times we still never get them all right.bembo

I don’t have the book yet, as I just found out that there IS a book. Guess what is next on my Amazon shopping list?!

A Moment I Nearly Missed

I was more tired than usual tonight as I got the kids a snack and encouraged them through their bedtime routine. I didn’t dare sit down because I knew I would not want to get up.

After cleaning the kitchen, prompting the kids to brush their teeth, take care of their dirty clothes, pick up their rooms, and say their prayers, I hurriedly tucked them into their beds and went downstairs to collapse into my computer chair to work on the school newsletter that was due…wishing I could go to bed instead.

Fifteen minutes later I heard footsteps coming down the stairs and I hollered, “get to bed!” before I even saw a face or heard a voice.

Lubow

Luca slowly came around the corner and plopped down in the chair next to me.

“My legs are really itchy.”

I looked at her bare shins and could see the dry skin that is common for her this time of year.

“Go upstairs. There is some cream in the bathroom. Just rub it all over your legs” I told her, turning back to my computer.

“I want you to do it. I don’t do it very good.”

I reminded her how tired I was and that tonight I really needed her to do it herself.

“But I don’t even know what cream to use.” (she does)

Finally, after many more excuses, I told her to go up and get it and bring it down to me and I would put it on for her. I could feel my frustration and the tone of my voice rising. I was not handling fatigue well.

When she came down empty handed, claiming she couldn’t find it when I knew it was right on the shelf where I had told her to look, I finally threw my arms up in the air with a look of disgust and told her I would go get it myself.

TigerAs I walked up the stairs I was reminded of the book The Tiger Rising by Kate DiCamillo. The story is about a young boy, Rob, who lives with his single father in a small motel, where his father is the maintenance man. There is a lot to the story, but the part I love is the way the father lovingly massaged cream onto Rob’s red itchy legs every night. They don’t talk much and have a generally distant relationship, but this was a service his father performed day in and day out without complaint and it was enough to let his son know what he meant to him, despite his own loneliness, lack of communication or parenting skills.

I felt ashamed when I thought of this story that had touched me. By the time I made it to the bathroom to retrieve the cream that was not were I told Luca to look, my attitude about the short walk upstairs to help my daughter had changed.

She sat on the lid of the toilet as I sat on the floor in front of her and slowly rubbed the cream onto her itchy legs.

I wish I had remembered the story fifteen minutes earlier, but I think Luca accepted my unspoken apology as she hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and then skipped back to her bed.

Treasure Hunting

Several months ago the kids and I were walking through downtown when we passed a display window of an antique store. There in the window stood a bright red metal gumball machine on a stand. We all “ooohhh”ed, and “awwww”ed and then I allowed myself to be dragged into the store to get a closer look.

When we got closer I could see that it wasn’t in as great of shape as I initially thought. There were scratches. The glass had a slightly filmy look to it. There were some very small rust spots on the black metal stand. I looked at the price tag. It was $60. It was about what I thought it would be. It was an antique after all.

I walked out of the store with nothing and three unhappy and one oblivious child. I wanted it, but it was almost Christmas. I already had the kids gifts and $60 seemed like a lot to pay on a whim. Maybe when Christmas was over I would start looking for a bubblegum machine again.

A couple of weeks ago I ran into Goodwill with a couple of my kids to see if I could find some vintage fabric that I didn’t need.

As we were walking away from the fabric I didn’t need towards the books I didn’t need Anna grabbed my hand and started dragging me to the corner of the store.

“Mom, come see! It is sooooo cool!”

She led me to this:

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It was dirty, but I saw potential.

When I saw the $7.99 price tag I really saw potential.

We received many comments and looks of envy as we walked it to the register. At least, I think they were looks of envy. They might have been looks of, “Good luck with that!” There was no guarantee it would work, after all.

An old guy stopped us in the parking lot to tell us, “Awesome!” Really. That is all he said.

I got it home and took it completely apart, hoping I would remember how to put it back together. I washed each part in hot soapy water and then shined the globe up.

After many attempts I finally reassembled it and watched the kids glow with excitement as I led them into the kitchen to see it all spiffed up.

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It shined. There was nary a scratch, blemish, or sticker of a dinosaur on it. (okay, maybe just a couple if itty-bitty scratches.)

I realized I don’t need a fancy antique store to tell me something is a find because of their inflated price tag. I will find my own treasure thankyouverymuch. And it will mean a whole heck of a lot more when I do.

A Valentine’s Day In The Life Of

I love Valentine’s Day! I determine every year that we will buy Valentine’s for the kids parties the next year, but I break down and pull out the craft supplies and the kids and I go to town cutting, pasting, mixing and matching, stickering, and signing. It is one of my favorite traditions with the kids.

This year the girls wanted to use fabric on their Valentine’s boxes so we went to the fabric store and they picked out fabric, buttons, and ribbon. They decided on the placement of everything and I helped them put it all together. I think they turned out cute, and they were a blast to make with my girls. We used good sturdy boxes that will last so they can use them to keep their treasures.

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The kids had their own ideas of what they wanted to do with their Valentines this year. Anna completely made hers on her own. She knew she wanted them to have suckers on them and as she played around cutting different shapes she discovered she could cut out a butterfly pretty easily. The only part I did on her Valentine’s was cut the slits for the suckers. I loved that each of the 29 Valentines she made was unique.

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Lincoln was next. The most important part to him was that it had candy. I found these little gift bags at the Dollar Store so we put an assortment of candy in them and then made tags for them. I cut out a bunch of rectangles with different colors and designs of paper and I wrote “Happy Valentine’s Day”. Lincoln signed his name on the back, punched a pop out heart on each one, glued them, put stickers on them, and stapled the bags to the tags. He stuck with it and did a great job!

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Luca is my indecisive child and she had a heck of a time coming up with something to make. She had all kinds of grand ideas. She made heart cut-outs with felt, material, and paper before deciding to use Lincoln’s design. She did most of the work herself and she loved how they turned out.

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Sunday morning the kids woke up to our traditional Valentine’s Day breakfast. We always have pink heart pancakes, bacon, eggs, juice, and when I don’t forgot…fresh strawberries and whipped cream. Unfortunately, this year I forgot. I also forgot where I put the matching Valentine’s cups so we may be having pink heart cups with our green St. Patrick’s Day breakfast next month.

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All in all it was a great year and I even overheard one of the kids say, “Valentine’s Day is the BEST! It is even better than Christmas!” 

Brett also scored brownie points this year. I loved the earrings he got me last year. Last week I was having a struggle with Kai in a store parking lot and didn’t realize he knocked on of the earrings out of my ear until I got home. It made me cry when I opened Brett’s Valentine’s gift the next day (wrapped even!) and saw a new pair of earrings AND a pair exactly like the ones I lost. Sigh.

All in all, it was another great Valentine’s Day!

On Being A Big Brother

The kids came home from a primary (church) activity today, which was breakfast with their new teachers, and Lincoln said, “I’m hungry.”

“Didn’t you eat pancakes at the activity?”

“Well, I only ate one. I ran out of time.”

(pancakes are his very favorite food and he can easily eat three or four)

“Hmmm…did you end up at the end of the line or did you talk to your friends and not make it back for more?”

“No. I got my pancake and sat by Anna and then I had to cut her pancake for her and it took me awhile because it kept slipping around on the plate. Then I had to cut mine, and by the time I was done I had to hurry and eat it because it was almost over.”

He shrugged and walked away.

Instant tears for me. This was exactly what I needed to boost my spirit today. It has been a very long week full of frustrations and kids fighting. I have been in tears or near tears more times than I want to admit, but these tears were good tears.

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Next time I hear them fighting I am going to imagine Lincoln leaning over to cut his little sister’s pancake while his pancake sat untouched on his plate. I am going to imagine how hungry he must have been because it was 10:30am and he had not had a thing to eat yet. And I am going to remember how he mentioned it nonchalantly and how he didn’t boast about his good deed or complain or whine about how it made him run out of time so he couldn’t get more food. How he didn’t even get that he had done something nice.

It just was what it was. He knew she needed help so he helped.

Gosh, I love that kid.

An Unfortunate Run In At The Dollar Store

A stranger yelled, “SHUT UP!” in my baby’s face tonight.

We were at a very crowded dollar store and I was checking out. Kai was sitting in the cart and getting restless so Luca walked him up to the front of the store to wait with him. He was fussing a bit, but it was a fake bored cry, not screaming or sobbing and it wasn’t even very loud.IMG_1012

I dropped some cards out of my wallet and as I bent to pick them up I hear a very loud and angry voice yell, “SHUT UP!”. I look up and see a woman with her face inches from Kai’s stunned little face. I didn’t get a good look at her, but I remember that she looked angry and her face was red.

The front section of the store went silent and I heard several gasps. Three of those gasps were my other young kids that were standing near Kai at the time.

My adrenaline kicked in and the woman was already walking out the door as I yelled, “Excuse me!! That is MY baby you are talking to!” I could feel my face get hot and my heart started pounding in my ears. I was mad.

“Then make him stop” she yelled over her shoulder as she walked out the door.

“He is TWO years old!” I screamed at her as the door shut behind her.

I am not a screamer. I hate confrontation. I hate fighting. I hate drama, and I especially hate to be a part of drama.

Kai was surprisingly un-phased by the whole incident. He did get quiet, but he didn’t get scared or sad or upset.

My other kids did.

“Mom! Did you hear that lady tell Kai to shut up!?”

“Mom, that lady was mean! Why did she yell at Kai?!”

“I am glad you yelled at that mean lady mom!”

“Is Kai okay? I don’t like that mean person!”

They had worried looks in their eyes. I don’t know if it stunned them more to see a stranger yell at their baby brother or to see their mom yell back.

The checkout lady in the next aisle looked over to me and quietly said, “I think she wasn’t all there” as she pointed to her head.

It hit me pretty suddenly that she was exactly right and I calmed down rather quickly. In fact, I was shocked at how easily I got over it and I actually felt rather stupid for yelling back and not taking a minute to assess the situation.

The woman clearly had some mental health issues. It didn’t give her the right to yell at a two year old, but if I had taken a moment to think or if I could go back I would do things a little differently.

I wish I had thought to run over to her and gently tell her that I didn’t appreciate her talking to my child that way and ask her to apologize to him. He knows what “I’m sorry” means.

I could feel everyone looking at me as I quickly gathered up my bags and my kids and hurried them out the door to the van. They were excited and loud and telling me I should call Brett right away, call the police, or go find her and beat her up. I buckled them all in the car and we shut the doors (and locked them) and we had a little talk about how people are different and some people, even adults, have a hard time knowing just how to act around other people and sometimes say and do things because they are uncomfortable or nervous. I don’t know that they really got it, but they calmed down a bit.

The kids were all anxious for Brett to get home tonight and as soon as he walked in the door they fought about who got to tell him about it.

What did I learn from this unsettling experience?

-My kids love each other and will stick up for each other when needed.

-Don’t mess with my kids. I may not like confrontation, but…just don’t mess with my kids.

-Sometimes if we wait a second before reacting we might gain enough new information to handle things better. I would have.

-Someone yelling in a baby’s face can silence a store crowded with holiday shoppers. Good. It should be shocking.

-I get over things a lot faster than I used to.

-I know now that if anyone lays a hand on one of my children I will not be afraid to beat the living daylights out of them. For a second I thought she might and I was ready to charge.

-Kai is one fearless little guy.