Can’t Fight This Feeling

Music has always been very important to me. Over the years I have viewed it as a big part of the timeline of my life.  A melody, rift, or lyric can throw me back to emotions and experiences in my life that can bring me back to the laughter, tears, and various emotions of the many slices of my life.

This being my twenty-first wedding anniversary I decided to put on an album that made me think of the time when Brett and I first met…

After several months of becoming good friends through email, online chat, and late night telephone calls we were finally meeting in person. Brett was working at a computer show in Las Vegas and I was attending the show with my dad, brother, and brother-in-law. Although we had talked for, likely, hundreds of hours, we had developed a friendship without an expectation of a romantic relationship. The distance alone was a big factor, as he was in Seattle and I was in Southern Utah, but we were also nearly ten years apart in age and had both determined that we were happier being single for the time being. This made it so much easier to open up and say whatever was on our minds as we got to know each other.

After nearly not finding each other at the computer show (the Microsoft booths were endless), we happened to run into each other in an unfortunate moment of my immaturity while playing dodgeball with my brother-in-law right down the aisle of a big presentation at a Microsoft booth.

My dad was nearly ready to head home and we only had about twenty minutes to chat. I noticed an immediate warmth and positive energy between us and I was instantly comfortable with him. We made plans for me to make the two-hour drive back to Las Vegas the next day to go to dinner and spend some time together.

As I made the drive back down the next evening I remember having some anxiety as I thought about the chemistry that was obviously there. I was sure that nothing more would come of this relationship as I was in school in Utah and he was working in Seattle and neither of us had any plans to uproot our lives. I was also only nineteen years old and had many plans ahead of me before getting into a serious relationship.

I made my way to his hotel room and knocked on the door. My anxiety quickly left as he opened the door and we slipped right into our familiar conversation as we made our way to dinner. Dinner was long and drawn out as I was not ready to make the drive back. We realized that we were both not ready to end our time together, but it was getting late. I had a family member working in Vegas at the time so I made arrangements for me to spend the night at their place and we set up a time to meet the next day.

The next day we had lunch, walked the mall, and held hands so comfortably that you would think we had been dating for some time. By dinner time we realized we were still not ready to end our time together. Brett still had some things to finish up with for work that night, but he changed his flight and decided to head back to St. George with me for the weekend. I napped while he worked and, although Brett was a perfect gentleman, for reasons of propriety (and keeping my mom happy) we spent the night talking at a twenty-four hour cafe at the hotel.

Our short time together in St. George was full of talking, kissing, hiking in Zion Canyon, good food, and developing feelings that I had no chance of squashing.

After two days together we made the drive back to Las Vegas to the airport. I was scared of what I was feeling. I had never really been in love and didn’t know if that is what I was feeling, but I knew I didn’t want to be apart.

We waited at the gate while they called groups to board his plane. I leaned against him and held his hand as we waited until the very last call was made for his flight and then hesitantly gave a final embrace and kiss. There were no tears, yet, but lots of emotion was clearly felt from us both. He waved as he walked onto the loading ramp and then turned and walked away. As soon as I couldn’t see him anymore the tears came and I couldn’t turn them off.

As I got in the car I put in my REO Speedwagon disc and played the song “I Can’t Fight This Feeling” on repeat. I cried for much of the trip home as the words played over and over.

Oh, I can’t fight this feeling any longer

And yet I’m still afraid to let it flow

What started out as friendship has grown stronger

I only wish I had the strength to let it show

 

I tell myself that I can’t hold out forever

I said there is no reason for my fear

‘Cause I feel so secure when we’re together

You give my life direction

You make everything so clear…

 

Twenty one years later and I still remember how my heart hurt as I didn’t know if and when I would see him again. I realized that I had got in over my head and was in love despite my efforts to not let that happen.

I shouldn’t have worried too much…less than a month later he made the long drive in a record-breaking snowstorm to spend over a week with me during Christmas break. By the time he left we had discussed getting married and three and a half months and many weekend visits later we did just that.

And I can’t fight this feeling anymore

I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for

It’s time to bring this ship into the shore

And throw away the oars, forever

 

‘Cause I can’t fight this feeling anymore

I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for

And if I have to crawl upon the floor

Come crashing through your door

Baby, I can’t fight this feeling anymore